FREAKS AND CELEBRITY SLOP

As long as human beings have lived in communities, there have always been what we've colloquially (and not endearingly) called "freaks." From the village idiot to the court fool, from the afflicted to the deranged, these poor, misbegotten creatures have been the spectacles that drew mixed amounts of fascination, merriment and scorn.

P.T. Barnum made a fortune trotting out what were then called pinheads, bearded ladies, limbless souls, Siamese twins, all for perusal, derision, revulsion, and the almighty buck.

Society has advanced, thank God. The damaged among us are protected from exploitation by law and the evolution of our thinking. This does not mean our thirst for "freaks" has abated. Not a chance. Not as long as there are celebrities, and as long as money can be made exploiting their human condition.

Cases in point: One Carlos Estevez, AKA Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and the beauteous train-wreck-to-be named Christina Aguilera.

How is watching Charlie Sheen' s recent media blitz any different than answering the call of the Carnival Barker a hundred years ago, paying ten cents, and gaping at the Elephant Man? If Charlie weren't a wealthy, famous celebrity, we'd refer to him as that loadie, that perve, or, more kindly, "...that eccentric guy down the street with two broads. " We'd say he's crazy. We'd say he needs help. Since he's Charlie, most of us just watch the meltdown like the TV show it is, and wait for the pay-off. And once it happens, and Sheen disappears into either treatment or the abyss, our curiosity will take us somewhere else. Our curiosity--aided and abetted by the breathless reporting on all forms of media.

Should we feel remorse for our voyeurism? Should we point out that in the 1800's, families used to pack a picnic lunch to attend hangings? Is it our responsibility to police our primal urge to leer at the less fortunate, or that of the modern day P.T. Barnums of our world to sacrifice ratings, internet hits, and the priceless word of mouth gained by keeping Charlie's public pain in our faces?

He's hard to miss. There's a quote that describes Sheen's ubiquitousness over these last few days. It's what the late New York Yankee manager Ralph Houk said to a then-unknown sports reporter named Howard Cosell, in 1961: "You're like shit--you're everywhere." In this case, it's both Charlie, those willing to exploit him, and those of us eager to watch, that are everywhere... and feeling shitty about it.

Unlike Barnum's Freaks, some celebrities learn to make the exploitation work for them. Fifty years ago, Lindsay Lohan would have been disgraced and treated as radioactive. Today? Well, no, she can't land an acting job, but her perp-walks into court are carried live on local TV stations and cable networks. Can a young woman get the help she needs if she knows it will result in less attention?

Britney Spears has been largely off the radar since her celebrated breakdown. It's hard to forget, though, that she'd lost it, grabbed a pair of clippers and turned herself into Curly from the Three Stooges, a few years ago. At the time, her former Mickey Mouse Club mate, Christina Aguilera, shook her head and offered platitudes about Britney's behavior.

Judge not lest ye be judged, right? A few years have passed, and now it's Christina screaming for help--and a lot more distinctly than she sang the national anthem!

Miss Aguilera's is a case that draws our focus more sharply because she is so incredibly beautiful, and blessed with a voice that can make buildings shake. Sadly, Christina's public problems have been pushing on her fault-lines in wait of a quake. If her singing rattles buildings, her probable meltdown will make the structures tumble.

This is a woman gifted as a young child, who witnessed an abusive father in action, and took the bullying of classmates jealous of her precocious talent. This is personal baggage that gets unloaded publicly when fame and fortune manifest themselves. The results are predictable--young, lithe, pretty beyond reason, she was drawn to (and exploited by) older guys who could administer the maintenance she demanded--the maintenance that made her (according to a long list of people who've dealt with her) very difficult to work with.

You could see it in the succession of albums. Then the "Dirrty" video, the metal studs marring a face with porcelain features; marriage, a baby...the tabloid tidbits about wild sexual appetites...divorce, a new boyfriend not nearly as rich and famous as she was, and then the drinking. The drinking presaged the fiasco with the national anthem at the Super Bowl, the copious weight gain, and the tumble taken at the Grammy Awards.

Her now legendary difficulty has made it impossible for many to feel empathy. And it is only the antics of Charlie Sheen that have kept her arrest Tuesday morning from becoming a more full blown media event. The L.A. County Sheriff's Department only took her into custody for the night because they'd arrested her boyfriend on a DUI, and she was just too incapacitated to move.

Too drunk to take care of herself. Screwing up "The Star Spangled Banner" is one thing, a reason to snicker at her and view as just desserts for her being a difficult person. Drinking oneself into imbecility, however, doesn't happen without reason.

We'll watch, we'll behold, and cluck our tongues. Most of us will find within us the hope that Christina, Charlie and Lindsay will eventually entertain us with their talent, again...and not their desperation. It is a faustian bargain, the quest for fame.